I'm at a complete standstill right now. Mark, I am not happy and honestly, I've been forcing myself to smile for quite some time now. I'm not ready to end this and am trying my best to shove down emotions, to make this relationship work for both parties, hence the blog. But it's frustrating because everytime you're able to grasp what has been lingering through me, eventually I'm brought back to that same painful place of being lost and longing for a hand to hold. I really wish I didn't have to explain myself through a blog, it's so frustrating because I want to be verbal with you, be naturally vocal. The few times I've tried it ended in failure, due to stumbling thoughts and fear of your reaction. When you interrupt me is what really causes me to feel that the only way to be heard is though this blog. When I try to convey my head to you, it seems like you always have some kind of solution to what I have to say and then that should be that as though my words aren't good enough or dumb and I should just be a good girl and listen to you. I'm so small when this occurs, a little girl reaching for the sun only to have a strange man come and tower over her sunshine. I just want to be heard without feeling ashamed.
As of late it feels as though I'm constantly becoming smaller and smaller, having more and more of my light taken away from me. I'm still so very alone when I'm with you, slowly I can feel the calcium uptake from my spine and the need to scrape at the juts and whitematter comes in waves. It's all I can do, all I am capable of doing when the darkness begins to knaw, when the realization that my existence in your presence is a ghost.
The interractions that I get thrown into still create oceans and oceans of tears. I love your roommates, Alexis and Donald are such amazing people and I feel so welcomed but it is still difficult to be as natural as I could be or at least want to be. I don't think you fully understand how painful it can be to force myself to be social, it's been so long since I have. I'm trying my best to live up to the challenge and it's something I sometimes only concentrate on, so much that I want to die. It's tiring to want to leave my house and go 'enjoy 'myself with you and others when I feel like I'm constantly being left behind, I'm just a trophy girl for you to flaunt. And when I feel like this when I'm out with you and your friends it makes me reluctant to show you my world. I really hate it but I always get asked why you don't come out with me, to shows or just to get-togethers. Sometimes you have work or made other plans but the reality is that I don't invite you. I'm ashamed that I would feel the way I do when I'm out with you except infront of my own friends, the people I'm confortable with the most.
In the end, everything hurts therefore I always come back to the same simple solution of giving up. Only now is the realization of how quickly this relationship began and rather than a slow descent into hell I've been fully throttled without any warning. To have been so completely alone then suddenly placed into a fully romantic relationship has taken a full blown toll on me. I'm so emotionally drained and irrational. This constant sporadic crying has become more and more painful as well as noticeble, at least to co-workers and friends.
I'm not asking you to DO anything nor do I particularly want anything from you except to understand and to want to understand how this relationship affects me and why it does. The vey thing weighing my heart down is you.
Mark I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you. I never was.
I want to, so badly but this is something I've been slightly aware since for the past week. I care about you so much but it's not love and it won't be until I'm fully comfortable with being able to speak out loud with you, until I'm able to fully trust you, until I can finally learn to love myself again. Because how can I expect to love anyone else when I treat myself so badly? Being physical with another human was and still is the most amazing thing I've experienced, one of the biggest hurdles I had been trying for so long to get over but love, love is something else completely. That first night together, going back to your place after the party, being completely enveloped in eachother's skin you stated things that terrified me. Almost in a way you gave yourself assumptions in regards to me, built an amazing girl in your head.
"All I want to do is make you happy."
Spoken in a flourish of bed sheets and infatuation. You hardly knew me at that point and already words like this were being thrown at me. You once, maybe twice told me I was 'perfect' for you. But how can someone be fully aware of that when the learning process of eachother was just beginning? It terrified me, boxed me in a place I didn't want to be in. Never have I been so fully appreciated for doing absolutely nothing. It's so, so terrifying. I fooled myself into believing love, you are so amazing, so sweet and sincere. I told myself i would be a fool to not love such a man. I lied to myself and I lied to you, led us both on a wild goose chase resulting in a further distance between my head and heart. I want to make things right.
Whatever this thing is between us, I want to make it okay. I honestly do care about you so much and eventually might love you but this love that I yearn for needs to be gained slowly, needs to be patient, everything was so fast for us. I need to crawl before I can run. I apologize that this post contains 99% 'what I need' but at this point in time unfortunately it's true. I've thrown so much of myself out of the window for others that now any built up I create gets easily knocked down by a single action or word. This is the fragility of Hue. It's stupid but necessary.
Once again I'm aware that most of my pain comes from myself, the fact that I'm not able to say it to you right away but rather this constant need to shove it down then cry days later. But I still need you to understand me, you don't have to love me or even remotely care about me, if you so please use me as a trophy to flaunt but please just understand the pain created from the results of two very evil men and the hastiness of this relationship.
I still want to be with you and possibly eventually learn to fully love you, that is if you will let me.
"We accept the love we think we deserve." - Stephen Chbosky
Hue
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